More Fed Ex than Gumpy

Lately, I’ve been feeling like Tom Hanks.

Not Tom Hanks all Forrest Gump-y. I’m not feeling like musing poetically on chocolate, or shrimp fishing, or being in the right place at the right time, or Ginny, or even running. I’m feeling like my life is like a FedEx production.

I am Chuck Noland, mostly time-obsessed. (I just had to look up what his character’s name was in the movie Cast Away.) When I refer to the movie I just say, “Willlsonnn! I’m sorry Wilson!” I don’t have a Wilson, I have a real life husband, and family. But our lives are pretty much run on Fed Ex-like timing and schedules. That saying of ‘a place for everything and everything in its place’ does translate to us, somehow, if you relate it to time.

Who could resist a face like this? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am a scheduler by nature. And if you dig a little deeper you see that it’s a need for control. No problem: as long as I know what’s when I am pretty happy and can be accommodating. It’s harder when you involve other people, or want to coordinate schedules.

My husband has an accommodating and flexible work schedule. Generally this works well because he can get home to be with the kids when I need to go run.  A flexible schedule means some accommodations, but it doesn’t mean it is always available to accommodate what my personal schedule needs.  And between his late nights, and my evening runs and then early bedtimes, we are barely seeing one another. Never mind that there are also two kids to fit in there somehow and kids seem to stretch out bedtime like it’s the last 10 km of a marathon: the closer you get to the finish line the more the remaining distance increases.

Oh, it’s you! Good to see you again. Could you please remember to pick up the kids on Wed after soccer?

The other day, both haggard and exhausted, my husband gave me a hug and asked if we were like two ships passing in the night. I answered that it was more like we were two shits. You get the idea. We are doing what we can, but taking the time to carve out time for our relationship is another thing to schedule.  Certainly this falls by the wayside more often than not.

I believe the advice that a good relationship is the best thing you can give your kids. How many of us have come from homes that sometimes lacked a sense of respect, or were witness to fights, or the passive-aggressive silent treatments, and then maybe divorce? That sure worked well for us to figure out our own relationships. We learned what we didn’t want, but of course the knee-jerk reaction is already ingrained in us.  When we are frustrated and overwhelmed, who do we tend to sound like?

No one in my family has been diagnosed with a terminal disease, or is in a situation where their shelf life is predetermined. We will all die some day. I guess making time for what -and who- is important in our lives also means paying attention to what we are doing (instead) with that time.

In the movie, Chuck Noland came home four years later to his wife. She had since accepted the fact that he’d perished in his downed Fed Ex plane crash. She remarried and had a family.  They still loved one another, but schedules kept them apart.

I think I’ll schedule some time with my husband, rather than without.

fifth amendment

And we’re off! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

September is like a fresh bowl of cereal when you are craving carbs. You pour the milk in anticipation, smiling and salivating a little as it dances on the flakes or “O’s” in the bowl. As you do this you are distracted: a door slams, or there is a child’s cry in the next room, or the dog pushes against your leg unexpectedly as he is licking the floor clean around your feet. You look away and the milk – previously choreographed – is now gushing and overflowing the bowl.  The cereal is now overly saturated and has lost its appeal. September quickly gets out of hand.

It is the start of the second week of school. Technically it is only the fourth full day of school and today I wish the Force was with me. My son is a hyper-sensitive guy both physically and socially. If his socks aren’t on the right way he will stomach it and get to school and have his school day, but the moment he gets home all that bottled-up rage and frustration (mostly at not being able to fix the situation or know how to control it) erupts. Or if someone suggests something to him that he can’t understand, the idea that what he has done gets misinterpreted as being wrong and the suggestion becomes a punishment. Most of the time it’s not something I can logically explain or even understand. I am sensitive to noise and I’m easily overwhelmed, but we could all admit to this to some degree.

Today was such a day. It’s the little things that can sometimes set him off, but what the cause is can be inconsistent. Today I asked him to perhaps leave his lovely hand-written notes on the kitchen counter, instead of plastered to the front door. The front door is visible from the sidewalk as you walk by. It is also visible from the street and the bus route. When I drove home the sign made me smile, but I can’t trust everyone and can’t expect everyone will do good by my child.  I made this suggestion out of safety, not that he had done anything ‘wrong.’

He erupted and it took me a good 1.5 hours to deal, defuse, overcome, silence, recover, and regain control of the situation.  At the end of an already rough Monday (very little sleep, not ever enough coffee) this was my top out to my day.

Perhaps the fifth day of school will be better.

reality is a thin veil of sunscreen

Summer is a good time to go on vacation. Winter means spending more money and time to get to a tropical clime.  It’s easier to pack, dress, travel, eat, and be outdoors when the weather is warmer.  And people look better in the summer.

I’ve read a few recent blog posts recapping summer vacays. I like this: I get to know a little bit more about the person as well as cherry-pick their good ideas about what worked for them.

Following suit, I have tried twice to recap what we did on our holidays. The first time my husband said it sounded like a book report I was writing for school. I could have provided an index for it. Did I really enjoy my holidays so much that it came out sounded formulaic? I realized that it wasn’t so much what we did that I found interesting, but more what I learned this year about  vacations.

Our vacation this year involved kids (our own), and travel (driving 5+ hours in a spell), and family. We often do the same thing for summer vacation: visit my parents and my husband’s parents. Both grandparents get to see grandkids. We get somewhat of a break. It is not our usual routine. We are not at work.

A quick thunderstorm with hail before we go for a swim.

But there needs to be balance. Here’s what I’ve learned thus far:

In the process of having adventures to look back on, no one should be suffering in the making of these memories (namely me). If someone doesn’t want to do something, weigh this into the overall appeal of the factor. My parents generally forced me to go camping when I was a kid thinking it was good for me. To this day I suck on this resentment and still don’t like camping.

My husband and I are always falsely optimistic that going on vacation means a break from our kids. We do go see grandparents who do a lot with them but everyone gets tired.  We do get a break, but we still need to manage, intervene, monitor, cajole, and maintain some semblance of routine and sanity. As the kids have gotten older I’ve found that physically removing myself from the situation makes it easier for me. Each to their own! Now my husband and I book ourselves into a hotel for a few nights and let the grandparents (and kids) have their fill.

People are funny about their homes and their stuff. No matter where you go -or how happy your guests/family are to see you- both parties need to remember you don’t think or act the same way about everything. It’s not ‘understood.’ Showers, meals, quiet times, TV shows, and where to go eat are all up for debate even when you’ve been raised by these people. People also may have expectations that you will just “fit into” what they generally do and everyone will get along doing the same thing. I say let your guests take the lead on most things: do what they do even if it makes no sense. They may also adapt to you as well. When you start to find that these accommodations and alterations are seemingly more work than staying at home (usually day 3-5), it may be time to move on.

Kids and cousins walking to the river for a swim.

It’s a different road when you travel with kids. You can’t explain everything to a small person’s satisfaction even if you use logic. Especially if you use logic. The kids don’t understand what 4 -5 hours or 600 km really means. No, the road isn’t straight the whole way and you can’t watch a movie on a windy road. No, I don’t think you can try it for a little while.

At a certain age, everyone packs their own stuff. Car travel means you can bring so much (unnecessary) stuff! I gave the kids lists, but had them pack their own suitcases. I purposely did not bring a watch. I packed an extra bag of only fitness wear for MY vacation.

The sign of a good vacation is a change in routine. A good vacation means you get to do what you want, and you get home feeling lighter and energized. Who am I kidding when I say this? No one gets home from vacation feeling the overwhelming need to get back to work and feeling super rested. But I had stayed up late and slept in. I ran and exercised when I felt like it. I drank coffee in the middle of the day. I watched a movie one day when I first woke up. This was not even remotely close to usual for me.

Albeit not work and a chance to live a little more slowly, a vacation is a thin veil hiding behind sunscreen when we take leave of our senses.

Do we really assume it can go on forever?